“The Butterfly” (An original poem)

We met on the trail,

The old lady and I,

There was a cool, gentle breeze

As she admired

A beautiful butterfly.

 

“So peaceful,” she said, “I love it out here.”

“So free,” I said, and we drew near

To take a closer look

At the butterfly.

 

The sky was so clear

With clouds gently

Floating way up high.

 

Here we stood

This old lady and I,

Totally enthralled with this

Delicate butterfly

That had brought us together

On a warm September day.

We may not have spoken

Any other way.

 

We gazed and marveled

A few seconds longer,

The old lady and I.

Then she went her way,

And I went mine.

 

Life is uncertain and crazy,

A complete mystery at times.

Even when one’s family

May be so full of pride

That we don’t speak anymore,

Not even a “hi.”

 

But God sent a reminder

That I matter,

And I’m the “apple of His eye”

When an old lady spoke to me

Through a late summer

Butterfly. (c)

 

Hope to see you out on the roads or trails,

Stephanie

 

 

Living in the Present; Reflecting on the Past (Part I)

Today was a day of firsts for many, in my town at least. It was the first day back to school after summer vacation. What??? Wait a minute. The calendar still says August and the thermometer is registering 90 degrees. In fact, I cut my planned seven mile run down to four today because I didn’t get out until 1:00 p.m. I truly do not understand the concept of starting school this early. What ever happened to starting the day after Labor Day?

Ah, the ponderables of life! I don’t know when the powers that be decided to start school in the middle of August, but for the record, I think it is ridiculous (Disclaimer: this is MY blog, with MY opinions. If you do not like what I say that is fine. Leave a comment and frankly my dear, I do NOT give one good DAMN)!

Okay, now that that is off my chest, let’s move on shall we? After seeing all the facebook posts of others’ back to school photos, I am SO thankful that that period of my life is over. It was fine at the time, because that was the season of life that I was in, but I do not miss it one iota! Thankfully, my kids are all grown and married. I have had an “empty nest” for quite some time. It is the natural flow of things.

I remember my first day of kindergarten. I DID NOT want to be there. I remember screaming and crying when my mom left. It was SO different than what kids experience now. It was in a little building called “Washington School.” Only kindergarten was held there. It was my first real social experience.

I can only recall a few things that happened there, like the boy eating the string when we were playing some game with marshmallows, and of course, the dreaded “nap time” on the mats. I always got in trouble for fidgeting and giggling. Such a concept, kindergarten.

At any rate, summer IS winding down. School starting at crazy times or not, some things never change and are not controlled my mankind. Take for instance this little guy:

I say “guy” because it is the male that makes the loud shrill droning noise. “He” got in my house and was very noisy! He was whisked out and I found him dead the next day out in the yard (it is an educated guess that it was him). That familiar noise of the cicada in this part of the good old U.S.A. is a familiar sound of the end of summer. I always thought they were cute little creatures. Those big old eyes had me at “hello!”

It got me to reflecting on other aspects of summer as a kid. I don’t mind extremely hot weather that much because I didn’t grow up with an air conditioner for a good portion of my childhood. When we did get it, it was a window unit that froze the room it was in, but the bedrooms were still relatively hot. What was central air? Fans were put in the hallway to try to blow the cooler air to the bedrooms. Being overly hot and going indoors was a real treat. I spent most of my time outdoors riding my bike, going on adventures in the woods, going to the pool, playing in the hose, catching snakes and toads, or just hanging out. It was the best of times. Then when the frigid window unit made me too cold, I would go back outside to get warmed up!

Drive In movies were always a fun summer thing to do. My mom would pop big paper grocery sacks full of popcorn, load up the neighborhood kids, and we’d all go to the drive in. My mom made sure we had a fun childhood to the best of her ability, even though she worked full time.

I think about my parents a lot and how they have affected my life. My mother was 20 years old when she married my dad on his 30th birthday. Ironically, I married the first time at 20 and my daughter recently got married at age 20. The apples don’t fall too far from the trees evidently. My mother gave me her wedding dress from 1958  and I have had their cake topper for many years.

I look at these two people and wonder what they saw in each other. I heard so many stories growing up from my paternal grandmother (who was my primary babysitter), but I was a child. I know that my dad was married once before, very briefly. My childhood was pretty turbulent. Though I love these two people very much, their legacy lives on in their children-some good, some bad. It is by trying to make sense of the past that I am trying to make sense of the present.

Come on this journey with me, won’t you? Maybe you can add to the tapestry that weaves itself together in this thing called life. Maybe we aren’t so different. Maybe we can learn from each other. I hope so.

I have 7 weekends of racing starting this weekend. Hope to see you out on the roads or trails!

Stephanie

Breaking Out Again (of this rut I’m in)

May  I be painfully honest? I have really not felt like running since Grandma’s Marathon on 6/18/16. In fact, I’ve really not felt like doing much of anything-except sleeping! It’s summer for goodness sake, what’s WRONG with me???

I tend to internalize crap that I shouldn’t. Like having a crappy race experience when I know I am capable of so much better! Oh there are other things like not hearing from my kids for weeks, worrying about my mother’s health, and thinking about the project I need to get done for work. Some things are out of my hands, this I realize. Other things, like knowing I should be training more (or better) are completely in my control!

I refuse to blame it on age, because I have always believed that age is a number. We get out of anything what we put into it. I know 90 year old people that have more energy and spunk than a lot of 40 year olds (and younger). I am definitely not a lazy person, but I have discovered that I am definitely one who gets bored easily. I thrive under pressure. I am always looking for that new experience and adventure.

I have never followed just ONE running plan. I tend to glean from a few different ones and adjust them to my schedule. I also admit, that as a nurse on my feet for 12 hours for 2 days in a row completely drains me mentally and physically. Running is usually my outlet, but then again, I have been in a rut of sorts.

So I decided that I needed something more. I need accountability to help me get through the rough spots. So once again, I hired a trainer to get me to the finish line of my next marathon pain free and under 4 hours. The last time I did this was early 2014 before my first Boston qualifier. It’s so easy to get lax when one doesn’t have someone pushing them and expecting more out of them. PLUS, when I have spent the $, I expect to get my money’s worth! It is definitely no quick fix. I MUST put in the work!

Variety is the key. I love being around people who are constantly trying to better themselves and do not accept mediocrity. The dumbing down of our society as a whole is so frustrating! I have mentioned before that I am SO thankful for the high school teachers who pushed me and didn’t let me get away with less than my best! I will forever be grateful for my college prep teacher who instilled in me a HUGE vocabulary!

So once again, discipline is key. July first will be the start of my training for the Marine Corps Marathon this fall. No more rest days when I need to be training. No more talking myself into less miles than I should be running. I need to “get out of my head” and be a little selfish with my time.

Would I like my kids to visit/contact me more? Certainly! Would I like for my mother to be completely healthy? Of course! But those are two things that are completely out of my control. What is in my control is the goals I have for myself and the steps it takes to get there. That means core work every day even when I’m sore and running when I don’t feel like it! 

Everyone experiences low spots in life, it is the human experience. Realizing that  you are not alone is a major step to breaking out of ruts, no matter what it may be. Maybe it’s not running. Maybe it’s life in general. The news media certainly doesn’t help with making our world a cheery place. Depression is real. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is treatable, and you are not alone. You are not a weirdo or a freak of society.

This month marks 7 years that someone I was close to chose to take her life. She is missed every day and her contribution to society is forever gone. It doesn’t have to be this way. Reach out-there are people who truly care and can help you through this rough spot.

Sometimes we can get so down on ourselves that we can’t see the beauty of our lives for what it really is. ALL lives matter. Whatever you’re going through, don’t let it defeat you!

“I choose to be strong by being soft and pliable rather than inflexible, brittle, and hard.”–Affirmation by Wayne Dyer from Living the Wisdom of the Tao, verse 76

Hope to see you out on the road or trails!

Stephanie

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

 

 

52 Reasons I Am Thankful For 52 Years

Ah, birthdays-some hate them, some love them. Well, consider the alternative & that is my #1 reason for being thankful. As birthday number fifty-two is coming up on April 5, I still have life in this body (even after a horrible bout with the flu which led to respiratory issues-blah)!

#2 My maternal great grandmother was a widow in her fifties and could not drive a car. I am thankful that I can drive a car, and a truck, and a stick shift, & that I have two of the three.

#3 I am thankful that my parents never abused me and had my best interests at heart even though they were imperfect people.

#4 I am thankful that I grew up in an era when respect & manners were high priority and a foundation for a successful life.

#5 I am thankful that my teachers pushed me to be my best and academics were not “dumbed down” to accommodate those who did not care & did not try.

#6 I am thankful for all of the whoopins’ I got that broke my will, but not my spirit. I am a better person for it.

#7 I am thankful that I know what a rotary phone is, lol!

#8 I am thankful that I know what America’s top 40 with Casey Kasem is, The Midnight Special with Wolfman Jack is, and was alive when video killed the radio star.

#9 I am thankful that I lived through the original vinyl albums, 8-track tapes, cassettes, and saw the advent of CDs and digital music.

#10 While on the subject of music, I am thankful that I grew up listening to pure, raw talent with the likes of Johnny Cash, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Journey, Van Halen, Bon Jovi, Kansas, REO, Pat Benatar, & Sebastian Bach…just to name a few.

#11 I am thankful that I had my first “real” job at age 15 (babysitting before that), and that I had to earn my own money to buy my first car AND pay the insurance. It taught me responsibility and to take care of my belongings because they weren’t just “given” or “entitled.”

#12 I am thankful that my mother instilled a strong worth ethic in me.

#13 I am thankful that I still have my mother.

#14 I am thankful that I had my dad for almost 80 years of his life and 45 of mine. The rascal chose to depart the earth on Father’s Day in 2007. He always had a dry sense of humor!

#15 I am thankful that I inherited my dad’s dry humor. Some may not understand my humor, but it has kept me sane & kept me from crying a lot of times.

#16 I am thankful that I reside in America where (so far), women can pursue their dreams.

#17 I am thankful that I never missed a meal. It may have been Miracle Whip or Spam sandwiches, fried bologna, deviled ham, goulash and plenty of mac & cheese growing up, but my stomach was never empty.

#18 I am thankful that I grew up with no air conditioning, then a window unit that froze me out of the room it was in, but made the rest of the house sort of hot. I didn’t die.

#19 I am thankful for that doctor who got the needle out of my butt when I was sick at 5 yrs. old (I stiffened up), the nail out of my foot, and who assured my mother that I would outgrow “wetting the bed.”

#20 I’m thankful that I DID outgrow “wetting the bed!” LOL!

#21 I’m thankful that my older brother did not kill me.

#22 I’m thankful that I could play outside long after dark without fear of harm.

#23 I’m thankful that I walked to and from Jr. High and never got abducted. Stranger danger was not an issue.

#24 I’m thankful that I was a tomboy and collected frogs and snakes in a Mason jar and wasn’t afraid to have a turtle for a day and then let it go (as well as the frogs & snakes).

#25 I’m thankful that I had pets growing up and was taught what it took to care for them.

#26 I’m thankful that I got to experience the loss of those pets in a safe atmosphere. It taught me that nothing lasts forever.

#27 I’m thankful that I had to create my own entertainment as a child and became an avid reader with a HUGE imagination.

#28 I am thankful for books…hard copy

#29 I am thankful that I was a fat kid (what)? It taught me to be an empathetic adult and to understand what it is like to be the last picked at kickball and not be in the “popular” group.

#30 I am thankful that I hope I will NEVER be in the “popular” group!

#31 I am thankful that I held the vision/dream in my heart since age 5 in kindergarten, to be a nurse.

#32 I am thankful that I graduated with honors in ALL of my nursing programs after returning to school as the “non-traditional” student (thank you Weenie Ward and your college prep class in high school)!

#33 I am thankful that both of my sons got to witness my graduation from my Bachelor of Science in Nursing Program in 2006.#34 I am thankful that both of my boys are successful in their endeavors & that both had beautiful weddings to wonderful girls.#35 I am thankful that despite my daughter’s rebellion, I have faith that one day she will see the light and realize that I am not the bad guy!

#36 I am thankful that I have a great job.

#37 I am thankful that I own my own home

#38 I am thankful that I have the certain neighbors that keep a watch over me and mine.

#39 I am thankful that despite being a fat, non-athletic kid, that I have found my niche in running.#40 I am thankful that despite the naysayers, I qualified and ran Boston and will return there in 2017.

#41 I am thankful that despite a few setbacks, I am for the most part, healthy.

#42 I am thankful for all of the people that running has brought into my life.

#43 I am thankful for all of the people that running has reacquainted me with.

#44 I am thankful for all of the running greats that I have met through this glorious sport.

#45 I am thankful for my whirlpool tub and for a bed to lay my head on after running.

#46 I am thankful for the love/hate relationship that I have with my foam roller.

#47 I am thankful for body glide.

#48 I am thankful for the Sunday Runday group and for 2 mile aid stations.

#49 I am thankful that winter doesn’t last forever.

#50 I am thankful that I got to see the Kansas City Royals win the World Series TWICE in my lifetime!

#51 I am thankful that I am finally comfortable in my own skin and honestly DO NOT care what others think of me. I refuse to play games and pretend to be something I’m not. I’m “popular” with me and I have to live with me, so there it is.#52 I am thankful that despite all of my failures and short comings, God knows my heart and that it doesn’t matter one iota what others have said, done, or expect of me. I am NOT a conformist. I think for myself and form my own conclusions. If one can’t/won’t accept that in me… “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!” -Famous quote from “Gone With the Wind.”

Hope to see you out on the roads or trails,

Stephanie

 

The Unfettered Life Part II (Burying Dead Things)

Unfettered: Not controlled or restricted; free, unrestrained (Google search, Merriam-Webster).

We are born into this world not by choice, but by chance. Out of the millions of sperm that don’t reach an egg, we are the product of that ONE that makes it & fertilization takes place. We have no control over whom we are born to or where we are born. We have no control over how we are raised. Our worlds for a time are dictated by our parents’ beliefs. They do the best they can with the knowledge & experience they possess. We see the world for a limited time through their lenses.

Example: Both of my parents smoked cigarettes. As a small child with concrete thoughts, I assumed everyone’s parents smoked. I cringe now to think how much I must have reeked of second hand smoke when I went to school each day. I didn’t know much about what went on outside the walls of my childhood home, my grandmother’s house, and my neighborhood. My grandmother babysat me & my brother while my parents worked. We had bacon & fried eggs every morning. Bologna, Spam, deviled ham, canned spaghetti Os, ravioli, or soup were the lunch offerings. Occasionally grandma would make a meatloaf, goulash, or fried chicken. Again, I thought this was the norm. I really had no choice in what to eat except maybe between tomato soup or chicken noodle. I had a lot of stomach issues as a child-hmm, I wonder why?

Where am I going with this you ask? To make the statement that I had no say in most of my day to day happenings. I was restricted & didn’t have the freedom of choice. As I grew older and started thinking more abstractly, I started seeing things through my own lens. Much to my parent’s dismay, I chose the music I liked, clothing, & hobbies. I had some freedom. But as I still lived under their roof, they still had the final say in a lot of things. I suppose that’s why I rebelled and got married at a young age. But that is the subject for another blog.

My point is this: The past is the past. My dad is deceased and my mother no longer has control over what I do. That is just an example to segue into part two of this blog (if you missed part one, go back and read it). We grow up, we form thoughts based on our experiences, learning, and hopefully research. This is America and we have the luxury of making our own choices and having our own preferences. I may not agree with you and vice versa. That is okay. My best friendships are based on the “agree to disagree” model about certain things. I value those people. On occasion, either I or they are enlightened to each other’s way of thinking or see something from a different angle. We in no way chastise each other or treat each other like the children we once were. That is called tolerance. I am always seeking to understand another’s point of view.

So here it is-my response in it’s original form (I had to put together the screen shots) to the one who thought he needed to reprimand me for my choice of favorite football team:

So there you have it. The answer to an egotistical male who was “disappointed” in my posts (translated-I am not the submissive robot he thought I should be). I am clearly over shallow people/friendships. I can get along with anybody. I will have an adult, meaningful debate/conversation with anyone. But the minute you talk down to me and treat me like a child (especially when hiding behind the keyboard), we have nothing left to discuss. The exchange is as dead as the dog buried in my backyard.

For far too long I lived to please other people and lost myself in the process. When I was a child, I often longed for my mother to be a “stay at home mom” like some of my other friends’ mothers. In hindsight, I am so glad that she wasn’t because I learned to stand on my own two feet. We don’t always see eye to eye, but that woman doesn’t take crap off of anyone!

Our culture either buries or burns the dead. Sadly, some friendships/relationships are meant to be buried as well before rigor mortis and the stench of death sets in permeating the psyche.

When I started this blog, my goal was to maybe help & inspire others. I had no idea exactly the direction it would take. I had hoped that folks could see that aging is not a bad thing and to never stop dreaming. We are all on this giant planet called earth, and none of us gets out of here alive. Set those goals and live life to the fullest every single day. Get healthy so you can do just that. For me, part of getting and staying healthy is avoiding negativity when it tries to creep into my life. Part one and two of this blog was to bring awareness to the many ways that people can try to control you. I refuse to let others make me feel bad. If you don’t like this blog, don’t read it. There are plenty of others out there to suit your needs. Frankly, I don’t give a rat’s ass if you don’t like it!

I love Lucille Ball-another strong, successful woman. On that note, I will bury this subject and get on with running posts and updates for the next few blogs. Spring races are right around the corner! Stay safe, stay strong, and don’t let the asshats get you down!

Until We Meet Again,

Stephanie

 

The Boston Experience (motivation version)

So it has been a month since the Boston Marathon-the most coveted marathon in these United States. The experience was phenomenal, the weather abominable.  You know how you get that picture in your mind about how you think things area suppose to be?  Yeah, you know-how you think things are suppose to work out, end, be, start, finish, complete, fulfill you, complete you, challenge you, be that all climacteric event of life? You don’t know? Well then, exit this blog & read some “feel goody” blog. First of all, what I must state emphatically is that the “joy is in the journey.”  It took me 7 years, a lot of sweat, body aches, heartache, and overcoming naysayers to even qualify for Boston.  I set out on this journey in 2007 and knew in my heart of hearts that I would make it. I have overcome much in life and I don’t intend on stopping now- 2014 was the pivotal year in which I PR’d every race I did & FINALLY got my Boston qualifying time!  I chose to never give up in the midst of injuries, negativity from others, and self-doubt at times.  With every race I finished, I became more confident. Even with the crappy races and less than stellar finishing times, I chose to never give up. ALL of those experiences gave me confidence that I had the wherewithal to meet my goals and dreams.  Time and perseverance paid off.

Keep Moving Forward

Did I want to give up at times? You betcha I did. Seemed at times I was taking two steps forward, three steps back.  But I am NOT a quitter!  I may have to remove myself from toxic situations, but I NEVER quit or give up on myself!  People really suck at times. They can try to make you feel less than, play mind games, and try to drag you down to their level…don’t let them!!!  Your journey is YOUR journey!  YOU are the captain of your ship! But I digress. Boston as I stated earlier was a WONDERFUL experience.  The expo, the run with Bart & Deena, the ambience of the event, the excitement…it was ALL wonderful!  Did I have my BEST race? No, I did not. I finished 18 minutes slower than what I needed to requalify.  Did that bum me out? NOT IN THE LEAST! I got to run freakin’  BOSTON!

Live Your Life

The weather was horrendous and I was freezing. Since my wave was wave 4, I was drenched at the start. I do not do cold weather well.  I did great time wise my first half and declined from there. The weather, head wind and hills at mile 17 were just too much.  But I had a BLAST! From kissing the guy on the cheek at Wellesley College, to high fiving little kids, to encouraging other runners, to pinching myself that I  was running the BOSTON FREAKING MARATHON! What a deal! How did I get here anyway? I got there by blood, sweat, tears, and perseverance and by never doubting “me.”  People can bring you down and attempt to make you feel like crap…don’t you DARE believe it for ONE minute!  Don’t you dare let anyone mess with your mind or mentally abuse you.  You are worth FAR more than that!  If you don’t get anything else out of this blog, get this…YOU MATTER!  LIFE MATTERS! Who you choose to spend time with…MATTERS!  Don’t you DARE let anyone bring you down!  You have a dream, a goal, a plan for your life…GO AFTER IT AND LEAVE THE NAYSAYERS IN THE DUST! That is all for now. Until We Meet Again, Stephanie

Sometimes You Have to Take the Pain With the Pleasure

Pain-what is it exactly?  In the medical field, we are taught that it is the fifth vital sign and that it is what the patient says it is-a totally subjective assessment.  Some people live with chronic pain and they have become so used to living with it that to look at them, one would not even know they have pain.  Then there is acute pain-the type that hits out of nowhere and is the most common reason for ER visits.

I have a very high pain threshold.  Therefore, when I actually say I am in pain-that means I feel as if I am about to die if I don’t get any relief.  It doesn’t happen often-almost non existent.  I ignore aches & pains a lot.  As a runner, that has made me very in tune with my body. I know what is normal and what is… well…odd.  If it is unusually odd, I take it in stride and may lay off a day or so or do some cross training.  It happened this past week when the top of my right foot was sore.  Most of the time, the “discomfort” goes away after a couple of days without any fanfare.  I usually foam roll, soak in a hot tub, and ice the area.  Not a big deal…unless it persists, which doesn’t happen often either.

This past Thursday, 3/19 I endured the “pain” of 40 miles on a treadmill.  I needed one last long run before the 50 mile ultra I am doing this coming Saturday 3/28.  If not for the rainy day that day, I would have done those miles outside.  However, I am really not into being soggy for that many hours, although I am aware that the day of the race could very well be rainy.  Big difference-I PAID for that run!  Plus, that long on a treadmill was something I had never attempted (nor ever wanted to)do before.  I can honestly say in retrospect, it wasn’t that bad.  I can also honestly say that it is something that I NEVER want to do again!  I averaged 5 miles per hour and finished in a little under 8 hours.  After each hour I would jump off, stretch, and take in my nutrition.  I was trying to best simulate what I would do on race day.  This was the aftermath:

Nutrition for 40 miles on a treadmill

Distance runners are a curious lot.  Trust me, there are a lot of other things I could have been doing for eight hours.  But I made a commitment to myself that I would get the training in and be as strong and confident as I could be going into race day.  As I said in a previous post, I have no time goal, I just want to finish strong (although I have made a 10.5 hour prediction).  The joy is in the journey. That is also the joy of running.  For me, it has been a journey of self discovery.  To be honest, the pain I put my body through has been to conquer emotional pain.  I’m no different than a lot of you.  I have suffered intense emotional pain.  Running has kept me sane.  Running has been my refuge. Running has been my best friend and confidante.  Physical pain has numbed my emotional pain.  To me, that’s a pretty good trade off.

So how did I get through eight hours on a treadmill?  Well, my puppy dogs were my faithful companions and I also got by with a little help from my friends-

I get by with a little help from my friends!

What would life be without music?!  Since I don’t run outside with music, it was a real pleasure to be able to have it on the entire time on the treadmill.  No need for T.V., Netflix or DVDs- that would require too much concentration.  I just zoned out on my tunes.  I might also add that I had some really great twitter friends giving me encouragement along the way.  Those tweets were something to look forward to.  The running community is an awesome group of people.

In conclusion, I have had a LOT of emotional & toxic “weeds” in my life.  But as anyone who has grown flowers knows- the most beautiful flowers can grow and thrive amongst the weeds.  I plan on being a hybrid. What about you?

Until We Meet Again,

Stephanie

Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box.” –Italian proverb